i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
