Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
