i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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