I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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