so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
