he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
