I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
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