Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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