So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Welp...herpes.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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