Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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