I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
