I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
