so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
