Who did Billy Mays play for?
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
You are the jesus of drinking
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