Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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