She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
