My boss' voice literally gives me gas
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Randomize
