I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize