put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
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