How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
