Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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