you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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