i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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