the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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