dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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