a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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