i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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