I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
one might say we're banned from that church
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
He felt like a one man threesome
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
