Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
