I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Randomize
