and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
