do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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