fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
