I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
