Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
How naked do you want me to be?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
