My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
