It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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