I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
PANTIES FOUND
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