Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize