I'm lost and stupid without you.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Randomize
