This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
PANTIES FOUND
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