so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Randomize
