I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
