STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Randomize
