My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize