My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
