U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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