I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
