Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
