I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
