I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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