Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
