Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
