just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
