I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Dicks are not precious.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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