omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
