dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
