do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
